Squethics and Squetiquette

Squethics: skw-ethiks. n. science of morals, rules of behaviour when involved in the game of squash.

Squetiquette: skw-eti-ket. N. Conventional laws of courtesy observed between members of squash playing fraternity

By the time you read this, the League season will have begun. Gone are the festive Summer Leagues, gone is the ducking and diving of challenges and Club champs, gone is the politicking of who to hook, and who to bunt, in order to get the best possible side. All the drive and enthusiasm you have shown over the last 6 months will result in pooling you together with 3 or 4 mates with whom you are going to spend one night a week, throughout this winter, in cold, tomb-like squash courts, sharing fears and frustrations, anxieties and aspirations. Your spouse might be so lucky!!

Now is the time to unleash those competitive instincts - where you give it all for king, country and club. This is no place for sissies. This is about fighting to the bitter end. This is where your sometimes friend becomes your regular foe who you are going to chase around the court until he slowly disappears into a dribble of sweat. This is about winning, about trophies, a trip to National Club Champs, Club of the Year. This is about your picture on the Club Wall for posterity. This is about recognition and prestige.

Or is it?

Yes, it is. But within this pressure pot, there is still much that we can do, to make life, and league more fun, more memorable. With time becoming so precious, we need to enjoy our leagues. And there are many things that can make a season memorable. So as we head into the heady atmosphere of league squash, let’s not forget….

League is scheduled to start at 6.15. Invariably the 1 and 3 of one side, and the 2 and 4 of the other, pitch first. Result. A frustrating period with 4 folk aimlessly stretching, in the vain hope that their opponent will arrive next. Let’s make a point of trying to get to the courts before 6, so we can get going at 6.15. Let’s make a point, if you are going to be late, to find out who you are due to play, and letting them know.

Fill in your Match Card. Before the match starts, and up-date it as the evening goes on. Pity the poor League Secretary who has to work out the result from a scrawled, beer-spilled card that was filled in on your opponent’s back as you decided to leave. Oh, and make sure your card gets deposited or sent off the next day.

The Warm Up is for BOTH players. A ratio of 10 shots to self, and 1 to opponent is not ok. The warm up is to warm up the ball, yes, but more importantly to suss out your opponent’s strengths and weaknesses.

Keep your cool. We all know that squash courts are hot little boxes that provide fertile soil for breeding frustration, for cursing, smashing racquets against walls and abusing self, opponents and sometimes, the Referee. But this, does not make for a pleasant game or a pleasant evening, and there are many children and ladies around at league matches. Also, there is nothing better than to see your opponent wrap himself in a blanket of anger and know that it is only a matter of time before he self-implodes.

Hold your shot. Many is the time that an irritating opponent is lined up in front of you, with fleshy inner thigh exposed to a screeching rubber missile which will produce a zinging sting and brown-blue-yellow bone-touching bruise to admire and soothe for the next few days. But be reminded. The big wheel turns. And the experience is not pleasant. More seriously a squash ball in the eye can cause serious damage, and your conscience and guilt will eat at you for a long time if you are the cause of lost sight. If in doubt, hold your shot. Hopefully, you will be rewarded with a stroke, but if not, a let is small price to pay for the damage that could be caused

Be prepared to Ref/Mark a match. How often does the following scenario unfold? Match 1 ends, 2 players, after collecting a beer, disappear, tired and disheveled into the depths of the change rooms. The next 2 players, deep-heated and stretched, step onto the court, ready for the challenge. The outside area around the courts suddenly empties… evacuated. The 4 remaining players from either side disappear. Headed off to other courts, gone to their car, collecting some SMS’s, sitting in the pub. They will return. In about 6 minutes time where they will, hopefully, have avoided the nightmare of the Markers Chair.

You may not have studied the rules, but you do have a pretty good idea. In fact, when you are playing, you have an in-depth understanding of every interpretation of every rule. But in the chair, things are different .Be fair, be consistent, be firm and keep the score on a sheet of paper. And if you are going to ref, get up into the chair when the players go onto the court, call their times, be assertive and you will be amazed at how much less hassle you have.

Have some respect for that fellow being sitting up in the chair. The fact that he has offered to sit up in that chair and help you and your opponent have a fair contest, does not turn him into a half-caste ignoramus, worthy of abuse. Oh, and by the way, you cannot demand a stroke. A polite request for a let is all that is required. It is the person filling the role of the referee who will decide your fate. And according to the rules, his decision is FINAL. Even if he wanted to, or you paid him, he can’t change his decision.

Over the season you are going to get good and bad calls. You are going to be very lucky, or incredibly unfortunate. It will probably be your own team mate who will give you the worst decisions as he leans towards the opposition in fear of being accused of being biased, or worse, a cheat. But at the end of the season, you will probably have balanced out. Accept the decisions, right or wrong, smile and move on. You may be pleasantly surprised at how your game improves if you are thinking about the current rally, and not that idiot who is determined that both players lose. Oh, and when you are finished, thank that ignoramus half-caste for his time, and offer him a drink. He becomes normal as he climbs out of that chair.

You are part of a team. Sadly the good old days of hosting and catering and spending some ‘quality time” with your team-mates and opponents has been eroded. But a horrible habit does appear to be oozing into the system. That of playing first and then, “Sorry, gotta go. Got an exam/prepare for a meeting/babysit tralala” If you are going to play league, at least have the decency to stay till the end of the match, support your team, and buy your opponent a drink. You will make some very useful contacts and meet some wonderful people playing this wonderful game.

And so good luck. Play to win. Give it all that you have, use all your skills and experience, and, yes, gamesmanship, within reason. But at the end, accept, that on the night – THE BETTER MAN WON and to borrow the old quote from cricket. “When the One Great Scorer comes to mark against your name, He writes not, whether you won or lost, but how you played the game.”

And when we measure the success of our League season, we should be counting how many matches we won and lost. We should also be monitoring how and why we won or lost those matches. But, most importantly, we should be monitoring how many friends we have won or lost in the process of winning or losing those matches.