Squash Fantasy #2. What If They Played The Game? by John Branston June 3, 2015
(A follow-up to “Unpublished Squash Chronicles” on DSR, October 2013.)
Hillary Clinton: Self rating
5.5. A well-placed campaign aide who spoke only on background said she
is “an unbelievable 6.0!!” A tournament opponent said she is a
2.5. Her Squash PAC has raised $57 million this year to promote
inner-city squash in Hope, Arkansas. Mean backhand, mean drop, mean
forehand. Mean.
Sepp Blatter. Rating 3.0. Known
as “the master of deception” for ability to hold his shot. Like
Jonathan Power once said of John White, “You can't bet on him but you
can't bet against him, but he'll take your money and the vig any day of
the week.”
LeBron James. Rating 4.5. First
black squasher to crack Ohio Top 100. Trained intensively for five days
after never picking up a racquet. Excellent with the elbows in the
corners. Has trouble clearing but rarely called on it. Details at ESPN9
“All LeBron All the Time.”
John Kerry. Rating 4.0 game,
6.0 hair. New England blueblood was a force in the 70-and-over global
division until he hurt himself riding a bike in France, a surf board in
California, a Harley in Coeur d' alane, a stand-up paddleboard in
Zurich, a llama in Patagonia, a polo pony in Sag Harbor, a rickshaw in
Beijing, a subway in New York, and a double-decker bus in London.
Caitlyn Jenner. Not yet rated
in women's division, former 5.0 in California Men's rankings. Plans to
enter national hardball doubles with Kim Kardashian and start a reality
show on Squash TV.
Edwin Snowden. Declined to rate
himself. “You want data? I'll give you data. I know who all you
squashers are, where you play, how you dress, your match history and
the last time you should have given a stroke but only gave a let. No
more secrets, US Squash.”
Tom Brady. Doubles specialist
with partner Bill Belichick. Rating 5.5 is on appeal. Accused of
spitting on floor, using Icy Hot during handshake, vaseline on strings,
Dunlop blue-dot “progress” ball, pine tar in jock straps in opponent's
lockers, shaving cream in house telephone, foreign substance on bottom
of shoes, phony Facebook accounts, expired USSRA membership card,
giving hot foots in summer squash camp dormitory, and refusing to talk
to media about involvement in the Lindbergh baby kidnapping.
Uruguayan soccer star Luis Sanchez. Not rated. “Bite me.”
