British Army Team To Tangle With New York Squash
From a Reader
The Great Bryan Patterson
September 13, 2012 - Sport hates ties. There are no ties in baseball, basketball tennis or squash. Playoffs and overtimes have eliminated most possibilities of ties.
Wars are different. Who won the Korean Way? How about the War of 1812? Many of us are unaware of the combatants and the outcome. In fact, historians cannot tell you when it ended. Most of us can come up with the year it began, if we think a bit. At best it was a push.
Well, the squash world really hates ties. In an effort to break this 200-year-old tie a team representing the British Army will arrive on September 24th to play a series of squash matches organized by NYSquash against American teams from Westchester Country Club, Fordham University, Street Squash (an all junior team), CitySquash, the Harvard Club, Sports Club/LA and the Union League Club. The overall winner will take home the War of 1812 Redux Trophy to be donated by a yet to be designated History/Squash aficionado.
The British team will not, despite rumors to the contrary, be captained by Princess Kate.
The Americans will be captained by members of the host clubs. British born, but now an American treasure, Bryan Patterson will captain Fordham and Citysquash. His security detail will be upgraded due to various threats (pie-in-the-face) by British expats resentful that a former English champion has defected to the enemy.
The British tour manager, Chris O’Brien, has graciously offered to play some matches starting in the late morning. He stated the since his team regularly trains vigorously between 11 p.m. and 1 a.m. early matches are a hardship, but his veteran team is up to the challenge.
The NYSquash organizer wishes to remain anonymous. Even though he is confident of victory, he fears the vilification that will follow an American defeat.
The British team, informed that some clubs require white and all required eye protection agreed to conform to what he termed were “colonial quirks”. Apparently the eyeguards will be affixed to masks. Pictures of the masks appeared to some to resemble Willstrop, Matthew and Selby. NYSquash answered that “New Yorkers are fearsome enough without any help.”
The American team asked the US Navy if they could fly to Boston and sail to New York on the USS Constitution. They withdrew the request when an admiral reminded them it was hurricane season. The British made no similar request to travel on HMS Victory. O’Brien said “they are Royal Navy, we are the Army”.
Huge crowds are expected so those who wish to attend should make requests to the clubs early. Frequent reports will be issued through the Daily Squash Report which will supplement the usual thoughtful and thorough coverage given to the sport by the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, New York Post and the Daily News.
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